Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Living in the two worlds
I might sound like a bitter and cynical old woman but I always take
the most positive attitude possible. Most times. and such bitterness in
writing doesn't come without a reason, or its background.
When i was 18 year old, i actually had the thoughts of how good it would be to have some sort of accident that just erase my memory. Memories about my family, where i am coming from and start my life all over again. I wouldn't say such thoughts keep coming back to me but i do sometimes revisit them, with a very very light touch.
I am a Cancer and might be a typical Cancer from the inside, yet somehow so many others would think I am a Gemini, typical sign with two-faced personality, tumbling around in different worlds, with different people, seeming adopting everything just fine. Thing is, seems like i have always been living in separate worlds, and play roles with different personality and these two worlds just could not mix. who has that?!
Shanghai- the city that i was born and had most of my childhood memories. Kindergarten, primary school, high school. There wasn't much too impressive things, except the pain on the butt when i didn't want to practice piano. Typical Chinese family and high expectation from us parents. Always educating about what is the honorable things to do, and what's not, like not studying and playing all the time. so in my little mind, my path needs to be like that my mum and what everyone else says, study hard, have one or a few degrees, get a decent and well respected job, like a professional or something, and have a good living. and so far, only one element is missing, that's my own family. a person called husband and maybe a little kid.
See this is where all the pain starts. Living and later realized that I was actually struggling between such traditional and expected path, and my own ... will. I have been following the path that would make my family proud, however sometimes wonder if that's what I really want for myself. Struggling between father's family and mother's family, and struggling between their expectations and my own. Sometimes i wonder do we really have to have such a family and have kids? or we can just simply live like this, work, friends, TV, internet, and happily ever after. When i was 25 i thought i would change when i get older, and now i am 30, and i enjoy my own life and space even more. Maybe i 've got used to it.
When i was 18 year old, i actually had the thoughts of how good it would be to have some sort of accident that just erase my memory. Memories about my family, where i am coming from and start my life all over again. I wouldn't say such thoughts keep coming back to me but i do sometimes revisit them, with a very very light touch.
I am a Cancer and might be a typical Cancer from the inside, yet somehow so many others would think I am a Gemini, typical sign with two-faced personality, tumbling around in different worlds, with different people, seeming adopting everything just fine. Thing is, seems like i have always been living in separate worlds, and play roles with different personality and these two worlds just could not mix. who has that?!
Shanghai- the city that i was born and had most of my childhood memories. Kindergarten, primary school, high school. There wasn't much too impressive things, except the pain on the butt when i didn't want to practice piano. Typical Chinese family and high expectation from us parents. Always educating about what is the honorable things to do, and what's not, like not studying and playing all the time. so in my little mind, my path needs to be like that my mum and what everyone else says, study hard, have one or a few degrees, get a decent and well respected job, like a professional or something, and have a good living. and so far, only one element is missing, that's my own family. a person called husband and maybe a little kid.
See this is where all the pain starts. Living and later realized that I was actually struggling between such traditional and expected path, and my own ... will. I have been following the path that would make my family proud, however sometimes wonder if that's what I really want for myself. Struggling between father's family and mother's family, and struggling between their expectations and my own. Sometimes i wonder do we really have to have such a family and have kids? or we can just simply live like this, work, friends, TV, internet, and happily ever after. When i was 25 i thought i would change when i get older, and now i am 30, and i enjoy my own life and space even more. Maybe i 've got used to it.
Merry Christmas
Last silent night, i was in the mid-night mass, looking at thousands of Christians, singing, jumping, praying, listening and maybe talking to God in their own way. With that much joy around, and the cheerful crowds around, i was rather crying my balls out, the tears just could not stop. Was it touching and emotional from the scene? Not sure. Was it repulsion against those overly-emotional actions by my own definition? Maybe.
This silent night, was the first ever silent night that i spent alone. Yet more peaceful than ever that I couldn't feel anything. just in my own world and not having to act in a way that i would otherwise be required to act or behave if I am anywhere else, being a good daughter, being a good friend, being a good woman. I am who I am and I am all of the above, I know it, and its enough. However in this mundane world, sometimes we really need to put out an act to emphasis the above, with the insecurity that others might not see the good side of us. Such self-imposed good behavior is exhausting and suffocating. and the ultimate of that, is one cares so much that they could not care more, and letting everything go. it's a static and quiet stage of temporary peace. Recharge, get up, and keep fighting again.
So many thoughts running through and I do not know where to start. a silent night with " Gossip Girl" is perfectly fine, at least you are with lots of eye candies, almost every single one of them, instead of looking at the wannabes in the clubs, imagining and pretending they are the central of the world, for that particular moment.
This silent night, was the first ever silent night that i spent alone. Yet more peaceful than ever that I couldn't feel anything. just in my own world and not having to act in a way that i would otherwise be required to act or behave if I am anywhere else, being a good daughter, being a good friend, being a good woman. I am who I am and I am all of the above, I know it, and its enough. However in this mundane world, sometimes we really need to put out an act to emphasis the above, with the insecurity that others might not see the good side of us. Such self-imposed good behavior is exhausting and suffocating. and the ultimate of that, is one cares so much that they could not care more, and letting everything go. it's a static and quiet stage of temporary peace. Recharge, get up, and keep fighting again.
So many thoughts running through and I do not know where to start. a silent night with " Gossip Girl" is perfectly fine, at least you are with lots of eye candies, almost every single one of them, instead of looking at the wannabes in the clubs, imagining and pretending they are the central of the world, for that particular moment.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
the invisible wolf
This dream was printing on my mind, so vivid. Vivid not in color, not in scene, but in that feeling. very intense, so alert, so tiring.
I was holding a gun, a big shot gun all the time and prepare for the wolves to come. There are so many people around me that I need to protect. If I fail, the wolves would come and tear all of us apart, any time. Even though these wild creatures have never came. But I was holding that gun so tightly, all the time. Until I woke up.
After waking up, of course it was exhaustion that i felt. not a very relaxing sleep. I hope i don't have to feel this tenseness all the time.
Wolf is survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control.
I was holding a gun, a big shot gun all the time and prepare for the wolves to come. There are so many people around me that I need to protect. If I fail, the wolves would come and tear all of us apart, any time. Even though these wild creatures have never came. But I was holding that gun so tightly, all the time. Until I woke up.
After waking up, of course it was exhaustion that i felt. not a very relaxing sleep. I hope i don't have to feel this tenseness all the time.
Wolf is survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Hello Kitty!
Hello Kitty! what are you looking at? what are you thinking? looking at the busy street, cars running by, people rushing through, and you seem so calm and quiet there, sitting, observing, not disturbed and not affected by the noise created by surroundings.
envy... ,
As human, sometimes we get dragged into things, and don't know when it could end... how can i be like you, just sitting there, quietly, watching all the drama, but still having inner peace...
Sunday, August 26, 2012
赠书人，枕边人，爱人，伤人
another week. hell of a week.
different people in one's life, would play their role, and bring one different things, feelings, emotions. someone gives you love, others give you hatred, some gives you care, some gives you guilt. one kind that very rare and so golden, gives you growth, maturity, learning, a will for a better you, without a motive, selfless.
A person that gives you a book, is someone so special, that wanting to provide a path, a light.
reading the book has been a delight during the week. besides all the positive thinking and reenforce of all that, there is something that opens my mind. The material universe was made up with so many little elements and molecules. and so are things with cause and ends. The same cause, meeting with different fate, the end would be different. That's why our lives are so dynamic and ever evolving. we might thing with element A and element B, we can see a very clear path, yet element C was there, hiding, only coming out least expected, changing everything. EVERYTHING.
I thought i see a clear direction, after so many fighting and struggling, I thought everything was there, i can just go ahead with what I want, finally. Yet the least expected came to me, forcing me to a corner. I lost my direction.
Maybe it is fate, the existence of such element C, while putting me in a corner, also giving me a reality hit. yes it hit me, so hard yet i can move on. its finally done and over. and i will erase it, eventually.
different people in one's life, would play their role, and bring one different things, feelings, emotions. someone gives you love, others give you hatred, some gives you care, some gives you guilt. one kind that very rare and so golden, gives you growth, maturity, learning, a will for a better you, without a motive, selfless.
A person that gives you a book, is someone so special, that wanting to provide a path, a light.
reading the book has been a delight during the week. besides all the positive thinking and reenforce of all that, there is something that opens my mind. The material universe was made up with so many little elements and molecules. and so are things with cause and ends. The same cause, meeting with different fate, the end would be different. That's why our lives are so dynamic and ever evolving. we might thing with element A and element B, we can see a very clear path, yet element C was there, hiding, only coming out least expected, changing everything. EVERYTHING.
I thought i see a clear direction, after so many fighting and struggling, I thought everything was there, i can just go ahead with what I want, finally. Yet the least expected came to me, forcing me to a corner. I lost my direction.
Maybe it is fate, the existence of such element C, while putting me in a corner, also giving me a reality hit. yes it hit me, so hard yet i can move on. its finally done and over. and i will erase it, eventually.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Jewel on the crown
Today's thought: that maybe the Jewel on the crown that gets all the attention, however let's make sure the crown is there, otherwise the Jewel would not exsit
This Whole week's thought: what does not kill you, will make you stronger.
As a matter of fact, it does not only mean some quotes from the internet any more. I felt it, I am experiencing it, I am going through it.
5 Years ago, I thought it was bad just because I was forced to leave Deloitte, thought that was low of my life as a young little 25 year old;
3 years ago, I thought it was bad,
Half a year ago I thought it was bad... during the past 6 months I thought things were bad.
Now, its the real thing. and i don't know what is next. But one thing i know is, as long as we keep being alive, we will be fine. looking at the hindsight, when you think things are bad, looking back a few years later, it might not be that bad. we just need to live through it, live through the reality, the choice we made.
so yes, what does not kill me, would only make me stronger.
This Whole week's thought: what does not kill you, will make you stronger.
As a matter of fact, it does not only mean some quotes from the internet any more. I felt it, I am experiencing it, I am going through it.
5 Years ago, I thought it was bad just because I was forced to leave Deloitte, thought that was low of my life as a young little 25 year old;
3 years ago, I thought it was bad,
Half a year ago I thought it was bad... during the past 6 months I thought things were bad.
Now, its the real thing. and i don't know what is next. But one thing i know is, as long as we keep being alive, we will be fine. looking at the hindsight, when you think things are bad, looking back a few years later, it might not be that bad. we just need to live through it, live through the reality, the choice we made.
so yes, what does not kill me, would only make me stronger.
Monday, May 14, 2012
7 30 am
7 30 in the morning, first time ever in my memory that i scream myself awake. running bare foot on the ground heated up by sun light, trying to hide in the shadow. i don't know when and from where those filthy looking creatures coming from, chasing after me....
i was on my way to see Zhang Yao's baby, somehow her name is "mei mei", maybe because watched this super funny video..http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1212121757288682374#editor/target=post;postID=4931931072013613264
by the way, my favorite song lately, by Sarah Connor, amazing voice, heartly performance. love the way Marc looked at her, with so much love. he might not be the best looking guy but his eyes, definitely like a magnet. Just One last Dance Live
its Monday, hopefully a fresh start, whatever happened yesterday
i was on my way to see Zhang Yao's baby, somehow her name is "mei mei", maybe because watched this super funny video..http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1212121757288682374#editor/target=post;postID=4931931072013613264
by the way, my favorite song lately, by Sarah Connor, amazing voice, heartly performance. love the way Marc looked at her, with so much love. he might not be the best looking guy but his eyes, definitely like a magnet. Just One last Dance Live
its Monday, hopefully a fresh start, whatever happened yesterday
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
mid night music
listening to sarah Brightman, and Antonio Banderas, Phantom of the Opera, whenever i hear or watch Sarah singing, i cannot draw my attention away. maybe not many young ppl nowadays would appreciate this type of music, or singing, but it would just draw you into it. surprisingly Antonio also has a great voice. Great performance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S88rkpPu8_g&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9C4CnKcFSQrAx68zlxr158B
Adele: need you now, with Darius Rucker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD-o_7iuOrM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S88rkpPu8_g&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9C4CnKcFSQrAx68zlxr158B
Adele: need you now, with Darius Rucker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bD-o_7iuOrM
Sunday, March 25, 2012
25th March, election
Rugby Seven's weekend. however the election completely overshineed the game. this is the one thing that everyone was talking about, devoting time and themselves into.
Never regarded people in Hong Kong care about politics so much however this time they have surprisingly changed my view. not in a good way, not in a bad way.
689 votes. CY won, which wasn't a surprise given how things are going. Ho was actually the only lucky one that doesn't bear much pressure from this nasty game as he knew from the beginning that there would be nothing in for him. However the plot has been drastically sliding towards Tang and Leung during the past a few months, being scheming, being nasty, being competitive. no wonder people say that "Idle of March" wasn't that exciting, given you have so much more fun watching the HK election.
Henry and CY, both victims of two things, the power play of Beijing, and the unstable shallow minded Hong Kongers that doesn't base their view on the actual performance of the two but rather swings drastically as per rumors come.
Henry the poor guy, he was tearing up doing that speech. Typical Henry Tang, not so capable, not political enough. I think the only reason he was crying was to blame himself handling issue in such a immature and not politically correct way, even though he was pushed to the top by Beijing in the beginning. HE had it, not because of himself, but because of Beijing and the Business elites in Hong Kong. He had it, not because of his capability, but because he's such a Muppet that everyone sees to be able to easily influence and manipulate him. However, eventually he was just not there enough, to run fast and win the game.
CY, even though his supporting is decreasing day by day, mostly because the locals think he's "too deep", "might have agenda", "undercover communist" all those things. However the fluctuation of this supporters seem never had a firm ground, not based on his own past performance or his capability, but based on talks of media, other parties, gossip. He's typical a victim of the "anti-Beijing sentiments" of Hong Kongers. News of Beijing's support to himself has done the reverse for him and its really not his fault. very unfortunate, he has won a difficult game.
But being in Hong Kong, whoever won the game, would be scolded by the Hong Kong people. not because of anything, just because he was the winner.
Never regarded people in Hong Kong care about politics so much however this time they have surprisingly changed my view. not in a good way, not in a bad way.
689 votes. CY won, which wasn't a surprise given how things are going. Ho was actually the only lucky one that doesn't bear much pressure from this nasty game as he knew from the beginning that there would be nothing in for him. However the plot has been drastically sliding towards Tang and Leung during the past a few months, being scheming, being nasty, being competitive. no wonder people say that "Idle of March" wasn't that exciting, given you have so much more fun watching the HK election.
Henry and CY, both victims of two things, the power play of Beijing, and the unstable shallow minded Hong Kongers that doesn't base their view on the actual performance of the two but rather swings drastically as per rumors come.
Henry the poor guy, he was tearing up doing that speech. Typical Henry Tang, not so capable, not political enough. I think the only reason he was crying was to blame himself handling issue in such a immature and not politically correct way, even though he was pushed to the top by Beijing in the beginning. HE had it, not because of himself, but because of Beijing and the Business elites in Hong Kong. He had it, not because of his capability, but because he's such a Muppet that everyone sees to be able to easily influence and manipulate him. However, eventually he was just not there enough, to run fast and win the game.
CY, even though his supporting is decreasing day by day, mostly because the locals think he's "too deep", "might have agenda", "undercover communist" all those things. However the fluctuation of this supporters seem never had a firm ground, not based on his own past performance or his capability, but based on talks of media, other parties, gossip. He's typical a victim of the "anti-Beijing sentiments" of Hong Kongers. News of Beijing's support to himself has done the reverse for him and its really not his fault. very unfortunate, he has won a difficult game.
But being in Hong Kong, whoever won the game, would be scolded by the Hong Kong people. not because of anything, just because he was the winner.
My Week with Marilyn
"She should use more mascara. When one is young, one should use a lot of mascara. When one is old, they should use much more"
Sunday early morning. watched "My week with Marilyn". smooth. nothing impactful . a movie that i wanted to watch for a while. didn't expect being so calm after watching it. nothing too emotional. like a glass of milk.
"i thought i would be young again working with Marilyn, instead i feel dead just like ashes".
Sunday early morning. watched "My week with Marilyn". smooth. nothing impactful . a movie that i wanted to watch for a while. didn't expect being so calm after watching it. nothing too emotional. like a glass of milk.
"i thought i would be young again working with Marilyn, instead i feel dead just like ashes".
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