Living in the two worlds

I might sound like a bitter and cynical old woman but I always take the most positive attitude possible. Most times. and such bitterness in writing doesn't come without a reason, or its background.

When i was 18 year old, i actually had the thoughts of how good it would be to have some sort of accident that just erase my memory. Memories about my family, where i am coming from and start my life all over again. I wouldn't say such thoughts keep coming back to me but i do sometimes revisit them, with a very very light touch.

I am a Cancer and might be a typical Cancer from the inside, yet somehow so many others would think I am a Gemini, typical sign with two-faced personality, tumbling around in different worlds, with different people, seeming adopting everything just fine. Thing is, seems like i have always been living in separate worlds, and play roles with different personality and these two worlds just could not mix. who has that?!

Shanghai- the city that i was born and had most of my childhood memories. Kindergarten, primary school, high school. There wasn't much too impressive things, except the pain on the butt when i didn't want to practice piano. Typical Chinese family and high expectation from us parents. Always educating about what is the honorable things to do, and what's not, like not studying and playing all the time. so in my little mind, my path needs to be like that my mum and what everyone else says, study hard, have one or a few degrees, get a decent and well respected job, like a professional or something, and have a good living. and so far, only one element is missing, that's my own family. a person called husband and maybe a little kid.

See this is where all the pain starts. Living and later realized that I was actually struggling between such traditional and expected path, and my own ... will. I have been following the path that would make my family proud, however sometimes wonder if that's what I really want for myself. Struggling between father's family and mother's family, and struggling between their expectations and my own. Sometimes i wonder do we really have to have such a family and have kids? or we can just simply live like this, work, friends, TV, internet, and happily ever after. When i was 25 i thought i would change when i get older, and now i am 30, and i enjoy my own life and space even more. Maybe i 've got used to it.