Last silent night, i was in the mid-night mass, looking at thousands of Christians, singing, jumping, praying, listening and maybe talking to God in their own way. With that much joy around, and the cheerful crowds around, i was rather crying my balls out, the tears just could not stop. Was it touching and emotional from the scene? Not sure. Was it repulsion against those overly-emotional actions by my own definition? Maybe.
This silent night, was the first ever silent night that i spent alone. Yet more peaceful than ever that I couldn't feel anything. just in my own world and not having to act in a way that i would otherwise be required to act or behave if I am anywhere else, being a good daughter, being a good friend, being a good woman. I am who I am and I am all of the above, I know it, and its enough. However in this mundane world, sometimes we really need to put out an act to emphasis the above, with the insecurity that others might not see the good side of us. Such self-imposed good behavior is exhausting and suffocating. and the ultimate of that, is one cares so much that they could not care more, and letting everything go. it's a static and quiet stage of temporary peace. Recharge, get up, and keep fighting again.
So many thoughts running through and I do not know where to start. a silent night with " Gossip Girl" is perfectly fine, at least you are with lots of eye candies, almost every single one of them, instead of looking at the wannabes in the clubs, imagining and pretending they are the central of the world, for that particular moment.
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