Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Living in the two worlds
I might sound like a bitter and cynical old woman but I always take
the most positive attitude possible. Most times. and such bitterness in
writing doesn't come without a reason, or its background.
When i was 18 year old, i actually had the thoughts of how good it would be to have some sort of accident that just erase my memory. Memories about my family, where i am coming from and start my life all over again. I wouldn't say such thoughts keep coming back to me but i do sometimes revisit them, with a very very light touch.
I am a Cancer and might be a typical Cancer from the inside, yet somehow so many others would think I am a Gemini, typical sign with two-faced personality, tumbling around in different worlds, with different people, seeming adopting everything just fine. Thing is, seems like i have always been living in separate worlds, and play roles with different personality and these two worlds just could not mix. who has that?!
Shanghai- the city that i was born and had most of my childhood memories. Kindergarten, primary school, high school. There wasn't much too impressive things, except the pain on the butt when i didn't want to practice piano. Typical Chinese family and high expectation from us parents. Always educating about what is the honorable things to do, and what's not, like not studying and playing all the time. so in my little mind, my path needs to be like that my mum and what everyone else says, study hard, have one or a few degrees, get a decent and well respected job, like a professional or something, and have a good living. and so far, only one element is missing, that's my own family. a person called husband and maybe a little kid.
See this is where all the pain starts. Living and later realized that I was actually struggling between such traditional and expected path, and my own ... will. I have been following the path that would make my family proud, however sometimes wonder if that's what I really want for myself. Struggling between father's family and mother's family, and struggling between their expectations and my own. Sometimes i wonder do we really have to have such a family and have kids? or we can just simply live like this, work, friends, TV, internet, and happily ever after. When i was 25 i thought i would change when i get older, and now i am 30, and i enjoy my own life and space even more. Maybe i 've got used to it.
When i was 18 year old, i actually had the thoughts of how good it would be to have some sort of accident that just erase my memory. Memories about my family, where i am coming from and start my life all over again. I wouldn't say such thoughts keep coming back to me but i do sometimes revisit them, with a very very light touch.
I am a Cancer and might be a typical Cancer from the inside, yet somehow so many others would think I am a Gemini, typical sign with two-faced personality, tumbling around in different worlds, with different people, seeming adopting everything just fine. Thing is, seems like i have always been living in separate worlds, and play roles with different personality and these two worlds just could not mix. who has that?!
Shanghai- the city that i was born and had most of my childhood memories. Kindergarten, primary school, high school. There wasn't much too impressive things, except the pain on the butt when i didn't want to practice piano. Typical Chinese family and high expectation from us parents. Always educating about what is the honorable things to do, and what's not, like not studying and playing all the time. so in my little mind, my path needs to be like that my mum and what everyone else says, study hard, have one or a few degrees, get a decent and well respected job, like a professional or something, and have a good living. and so far, only one element is missing, that's my own family. a person called husband and maybe a little kid.
See this is where all the pain starts. Living and later realized that I was actually struggling between such traditional and expected path, and my own ... will. I have been following the path that would make my family proud, however sometimes wonder if that's what I really want for myself. Struggling between father's family and mother's family, and struggling between their expectations and my own. Sometimes i wonder do we really have to have such a family and have kids? or we can just simply live like this, work, friends, TV, internet, and happily ever after. When i was 25 i thought i would change when i get older, and now i am 30, and i enjoy my own life and space even more. Maybe i 've got used to it.
Merry Christmas
Last silent night, i was in the mid-night mass, looking at thousands of Christians, singing, jumping, praying, listening and maybe talking to God in their own way. With that much joy around, and the cheerful crowds around, i was rather crying my balls out, the tears just could not stop. Was it touching and emotional from the scene? Not sure. Was it repulsion against those overly-emotional actions by my own definition? Maybe.
This silent night, was the first ever silent night that i spent alone. Yet more peaceful than ever that I couldn't feel anything. just in my own world and not having to act in a way that i would otherwise be required to act or behave if I am anywhere else, being a good daughter, being a good friend, being a good woman. I am who I am and I am all of the above, I know it, and its enough. However in this mundane world, sometimes we really need to put out an act to emphasis the above, with the insecurity that others might not see the good side of us. Such self-imposed good behavior is exhausting and suffocating. and the ultimate of that, is one cares so much that they could not care more, and letting everything go. it's a static and quiet stage of temporary peace. Recharge, get up, and keep fighting again.
So many thoughts running through and I do not know where to start. a silent night with " Gossip Girl" is perfectly fine, at least you are with lots of eye candies, almost every single one of them, instead of looking at the wannabes in the clubs, imagining and pretending they are the central of the world, for that particular moment.
This silent night, was the first ever silent night that i spent alone. Yet more peaceful than ever that I couldn't feel anything. just in my own world and not having to act in a way that i would otherwise be required to act or behave if I am anywhere else, being a good daughter, being a good friend, being a good woman. I am who I am and I am all of the above, I know it, and its enough. However in this mundane world, sometimes we really need to put out an act to emphasis the above, with the insecurity that others might not see the good side of us. Such self-imposed good behavior is exhausting and suffocating. and the ultimate of that, is one cares so much that they could not care more, and letting everything go. it's a static and quiet stage of temporary peace. Recharge, get up, and keep fighting again.
So many thoughts running through and I do not know where to start. a silent night with " Gossip Girl" is perfectly fine, at least you are with lots of eye candies, almost every single one of them, instead of looking at the wannabes in the clubs, imagining and pretending they are the central of the world, for that particular moment.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
the invisible wolf
This dream was printing on my mind, so vivid. Vivid not in color, not in scene, but in that feeling. very intense, so alert, so tiring.
I was holding a gun, a big shot gun all the time and prepare for the wolves to come. There are so many people around me that I need to protect. If I fail, the wolves would come and tear all of us apart, any time. Even though these wild creatures have never came. But I was holding that gun so tightly, all the time. Until I woke up.
After waking up, of course it was exhaustion that i felt. not a very relaxing sleep. I hope i don't have to feel this tenseness all the time.
Wolf is survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control.
I was holding a gun, a big shot gun all the time and prepare for the wolves to come. There are so many people around me that I need to protect. If I fail, the wolves would come and tear all of us apart, any time. Even though these wild creatures have never came. But I was holding that gun so tightly, all the time. Until I woke up.
After waking up, of course it was exhaustion that i felt. not a very relaxing sleep. I hope i don't have to feel this tenseness all the time.
Wolf is survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Hello Kitty!
Hello Kitty! what are you looking at? what are you thinking? looking at the busy street, cars running by, people rushing through, and you seem so calm and quiet there, sitting, observing, not disturbed and not affected by the noise created by surroundings.
envy... ,
As human, sometimes we get dragged into things, and don't know when it could end... how can i be like you, just sitting there, quietly, watching all the drama, but still having inner peace...
Sunday, August 26, 2012
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